beta test #1

The results are in. My hCG level came back at 7, which is a very low positive. So low in fact that it's only 2 away from being a negative. I handled the initial news better than I thought I would, probably because it was exactly what I was expecting.

On Sunday we cheated and bought some pee sticks. I did one on Sunday morning and at first glance I thought it was negative. That familiar old feeling of disappointment and bitterness started rising up in me. I picked up the test and looked at it more closely. Suddenly my heart (I think literally) skipped a beat, dropped down in my stomach, amd jumped up in my throat all at once. I saw the faintest of lines starting to appear. I didn't even have to tilt it into the light to see it like I've tried to do with every other test I've ever taken, wishing it into appearing like it would make a difference. This time there was actually something THERE. I called Jake in and showed it to him, to make sure he could see it too and I wasn't imagining things. There was definitely a line. Faint, but it was there. It became a little more prevalent after a few minutes, but it was still light. I have never seen a pregnancy test turn positive before, and I've probably taken over 100 of them (a combination of constantly trying and being obsessive). I had always wondered what it would feel like to actually see a positive and how I would react. I have never felt so much joy and so much fear at the same time. I was so overwhelmed with happiness and disbelief but also SCARED TO DEATH that it wouldn't last. I cried for a good 10-15 minutes right there in the bathroom. Jake didn't say much, just held on to me. A little while later he admitted that for the first few minutes he wasnt sure if 2 lines were good or bad so he played it safe and didn't say anything. Haha

I was optimistic and hopeful for a day and a half. I was so happy, but so wary of being TOO happy. Then on Monday I had those weird things going on. I was worried something was wrong so I knew I was going to test again Tuesday morning just to assure myself that everything was ok. So Tuesday morning came and I peed on a stick. I was fully expecting that line to pop up sooner and darker. To my dismay, it was slow to appear. When it did finally show up, it was the slightest bit lighter than Sunday. I was so devastated and at that point I knew it was over. I almost didn't make it to work that day, but somehow did. That evening after work I couldn't resist testing again.  There's always that tiny shred of hope. Nope, this time it was way lighter. I let myself hope that maybe it was because it wasn't my first morning pee. But this morning when I tried again, I could barely see the line. So needless to say, I was not a happy camper as I sat in the waiting room at the doctor's office this morning.

Ever since yesterday I've felt 100% like a normal person with zero thoughts or feelings of anything happening inside me. Except for the sore boobs and insatiable hunger, which I now know is solely a product of the progesterone shots alone and nothing else. I am SO HUNGRY, that tonight at dinner I ate so much so fast that I had to stop bc I actually thought for a minute that I was going to be sick. Sorry if that's gross. I felt full for about a minute and then was immediately starving again. My stomach was actually growling. So here I am 30 minutes later, box of Chex at my side.

I will continue taking all of my meds for now, just in case. I am going back in on Friday for a repeat pregnancy test and to check my progesterone levels. I know now that if/when I pee on a stick tomorrow, it will be negative. Those things only measure a minimum hCG level of 20-25 and I am way below that now. I wish I would have had a blood test over the weekend to see what my levels started at before they went down. Then again, maybe I don't.

So tomorrow I have my first observation by my principal, which is the worst timing ever in the history of anything. If it wasn't for that I would NOT be going go school tomorrow. The observation was supposed to be at 9:00 and then I was going to leave right after. But now my observation is pushed back to 10:00 and who knows how long it will last. I'm still leaving asap, but now I just have to be tortured for longer. I already know I'm getting a sub for Friday, I'm not going in. Then I think I can handle 2 more weeks until Christmas break. I need something to look forward to.

I'm not really ready to actually talk about any of this, but typing it out helps. Maybe in a few days I will be ok. I'll update again on Friday.