Boynton Beach Holiday Doings

Today was our local little small-town Christmas Parade, which took place right on Federal Highway out in front of our complex. We took our little beach chairs down to the sidewalk and enjoyed an hour of cheesy floats and local high school bands and dance teams. And SANTA!!!!!!!

tiny cheerleaders

work it

in South Florida, Santa's on a boat (everybody look at him cause he's sailing on a boat)

After the parade we took a little walk down to the beach. It's been a while, since I technically wasn't allowed to "exercise" for the past 2 weeks, but beach walks are my favorite! Every single time we go I feel so lucky to live somewhere that we can see this any time we want. :)

beta test #2

Yesterday I went for my second blood test to find out whether or not our pregnancy was viable. Unfortunately, my levels had continued to decline since Wednesday and the test came back as an official negative. We had lost the baby. I pretty much had zero emotion upon hearing the news, as I knew this would be the outcome. Of course we are both sad and disappointed, but we had been preparing ourselves for the worst.

So IVF did not work for us this time, but it's not the end of the world. It rarely works out on the first try, but we were hoping to be among the lucky few for whom it does. Most couples get more than one chance because they are able to produce enough eggs to freeze the extras for additional transfers. This was not the case in our situation. This was our one and only shot. We know at least one baby stuck, since we were able to get those positive at-home test results. However, the little guy wasn't strong enough and most likely did not continue to grow past the implantation stage.

Trying another IVF is not in our plans for the immediate future. We have other options, which we will start exploring after the holidays. We have a follow up with our doctor on January 12th, so until then we are just going to relax and enjoy the holidays. It's hard not to know the plan God has in store for us. Patience is not a strong point for either one of us. But we have faith that it will work out in the end, somehow.

Moving on.

beta test #1

The results are in. My hCG level came back at 7, which is a very low positive. So low in fact that it's only 2 away from being a negative. I handled the initial news better than I thought I would, probably because it was exactly what I was expecting.

On Sunday we cheated and bought some pee sticks. I did one on Sunday morning and at first glance I thought it was negative. That familiar old feeling of disappointment and bitterness started rising up in me. I picked up the test and looked at it more closely. Suddenly my heart (I think literally) skipped a beat, dropped down in my stomach, amd jumped up in my throat all at once. I saw the faintest of lines starting to appear. I didn't even have to tilt it into the light to see it like I've tried to do with every other test I've ever taken, wishing it into appearing like it would make a difference. This time there was actually something THERE. I called Jake in and showed it to him, to make sure he could see it too and I wasn't imagining things. There was definitely a line. Faint, but it was there. It became a little more prevalent after a few minutes, but it was still light. I have never seen a pregnancy test turn positive before, and I've probably taken over 100 of them (a combination of constantly trying and being obsessive). I had always wondered what it would feel like to actually see a positive and how I would react. I have never felt so much joy and so much fear at the same time. I was so overwhelmed with happiness and disbelief but also SCARED TO DEATH that it wouldn't last. I cried for a good 10-15 minutes right there in the bathroom. Jake didn't say much, just held on to me. A little while later he admitted that for the first few minutes he wasnt sure if 2 lines were good or bad so he played it safe and didn't say anything. Haha

I was optimistic and hopeful for a day and a half. I was so happy, but so wary of being TOO happy. Then on Monday I had those weird things going on. I was worried something was wrong so I knew I was going to test again Tuesday morning just to assure myself that everything was ok. So Tuesday morning came and I peed on a stick. I was fully expecting that line to pop up sooner and darker. To my dismay, it was slow to appear. When it did finally show up, it was the slightest bit lighter than Sunday. I was so devastated and at that point I knew it was over. I almost didn't make it to work that day, but somehow did. That evening after work I couldn't resist testing again.  There's always that tiny shred of hope. Nope, this time it was way lighter. I let myself hope that maybe it was because it wasn't my first morning pee. But this morning when I tried again, I could barely see the line. So needless to say, I was not a happy camper as I sat in the waiting room at the doctor's office this morning.

Ever since yesterday I've felt 100% like a normal person with zero thoughts or feelings of anything happening inside me. Except for the sore boobs and insatiable hunger, which I now know is solely a product of the progesterone shots alone and nothing else. I am SO HUNGRY, that tonight at dinner I ate so much so fast that I had to stop bc I actually thought for a minute that I was going to be sick. Sorry if that's gross. I felt full for about a minute and then was immediately starving again. My stomach was actually growling. So here I am 30 minutes later, box of Chex at my side.

I will continue taking all of my meds for now, just in case. I am going back in on Friday for a repeat pregnancy test and to check my progesterone levels. I know now that if/when I pee on a stick tomorrow, it will be negative. Those things only measure a minimum hCG level of 20-25 and I am way below that now. I wish I would have had a blood test over the weekend to see what my levels started at before they went down. Then again, maybe I don't.

So tomorrow I have my first observation by my principal, which is the worst timing ever in the history of anything. If it wasn't for that I would NOT be going go school tomorrow. The observation was supposed to be at 9:00 and then I was going to leave right after. But now my observation is pushed back to 10:00 and who knows how long it will last. I'm still leaving asap, but now I just have to be tortured for longer. I already know I'm getting a sub for Friday, I'm not going in. Then I think I can handle 2 more weeks until Christmas break. I need something to look forward to.

I'm not really ready to actually talk about any of this, but typing it out helps. Maybe in a few days I will be ok. I'll update again on Friday.

Day 10 post transfer

This morning was a rough morning. I was not doing well (mostly emotionally). I ended up going into work late with the intent of leaving early, but I ended up staying the whole day. My principal is observing me on Thursday which is just lovely, so unfortunately I have a little extra work to do this week on top of everything else we've got going on. As the day went on I started feeling better. I didn't have any more spotting today and I now feel completely normal. No weird feelings like yesterday. I just want tomorrow to come so that we can finally find out what's going on and find out what my exact levels are.

Tonight we decorated the tree and it looks beautiful! I love taking out each of our ornaments one by one and hanging each one in the perfect spot. I know it probably takes way longer than it should when I'm involved.

This morning Jake opened present #2 and found some sweet bacon socks. I get so excited to sneak out his little gift each night and then try to hurry up and fall asleep so tomorrow comes and I can watch him open it in the morning. I think this might be even more fun for me than it is for him!

Also super fun - tonight was a two-shot night. I had to double-ice beforehand, so here I am with two ice packs crammed down my pants as I'm preparing my syringes. I looked like I had a huge giant bubble-butt so naturally Jake thought it was hilarious and had to take a pic. This is my life. :)

Happy 30th Birthday Month Jacob Francis!

Jake turns 30 this month!!! This morning I surprised him with a funny little "exploding box" filled with tootsie rolls and little notes and pictures. In it I promised to fill his birthday month with 30 gifts for 30 years. I hope I can also give him the BEST BONUS GIFT EVER! Two more days 'til we know!

Again, I am too lazy to pull out the good camera, so please excuse these grainy photos.

Today was my first day back at work, and I did my best to take it as easy as possible. The kids were being reasonably good for it being the first day back, and I tried really hard to remain calm and serene all day, even when they were being annoying.

Last night I had a very slight headache before bed, but I figured it would go away and did not take anything. It woke me up at 3:30 a.m. approaching full-on migraine status. I haven't had a headache like that in forever. So I reluctantly took some tylenol and went back to bed. It was still with me when I woke up at 6 and stuck around ALL DAY. I took some tylenol again around mid-morning but was afraid to take any more after that. I somehow made it through the day.

Around lunchtime, when I went to use the restroom, I noticed some (very) minor spotting. I know it's probably normal but it still scared me a little bit. I would have expected it more around the time of implantation, not now. Shortly after lunch I started feeling a little run down, probably my mind just messing with me. But by the end of the day I was not realy feeling that great... I had a very mild but constant weird kind of dull ache feeling in my whole lower abdomen region. Sort of like the mildest cramp I've ever felt in my whole life, but all over, and it stayed for a few hours. It was kind of uncomfortable when walking, because me being hypersensitive to every little feeling, it felt kind of heavy or like a light pressure or something, and like it was sloshing around when I walked. Very weird. I did spot just a little bit more throughout the afternoon.

I was out of work by 3:00 and headed straight home to lie down. That made me feel a million times better. I got up a few times to do something and the weird feeling immediately returned. And then as soon as I laid back down I felt better again. So I spent most of the afternoon/evening on the couch. We did not even decorate our tree, boo. Good news is the spotting went away. Hopefully I'll be feeling much better tomorrow.

I am again super ravenous and ate pretty much non stop from the time I got home until bed. I am actually stuffing my face with Chex right now as I type this in bed. No shame. I can still feel my headache but I'm afraid to take medicine again, because what if that's what caused my spotting? I guess I'll just have to suffer. :(

Ok, all for now. I need to catch up on my sleep to make up for last night's lack of it!

Day 9 post transfer

Sunday, November 30, 2014

I skipped yesterday's post and probably could have skipped today's post too, based soley on new developments and/or how I've been feeling. I feel pretty much nothing. Yesterday did have one 30-second bout of cramps which felt exactly like period cramps. But nothing else to report besides that.  There's probably nothing that I even WOULD be feeling at this point, but for some reason I've always felt that when my time came that I would somehow just KNOW. Instead I feel the complete opposite, like there is nothing there. Like I know it didn't work. Sorry, I've been quite the Negative Nancy lately. Plus, I have to go back to work tomorrow..... BLAH.

Oh well. Three more days and we'll know for sure. If all does happen to look good on Wednesday, we'll have another blood draw on Friday to repeat the test and check my progesterone level. I think the hCG in my blood is supposed to roughly double each day, so as long as the number looks good on Wednesday and continues to rise on Friday, we can celebrate a little! (Truth be told, I will probably be afraid to overly celebrate anything until at least halfway through!)

On a completely different note, we got our Christmas tree today! All we've done so far is throw some lights on it, but hopefully we can get it all decorated tomorrow night. Until then, here's our (crappy tablet camera) view. :)